Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
