Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I met the friendliest cop last night
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
