I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
