If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
