Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
