i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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