Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
