I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
