2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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