At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
