I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
