I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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