I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You should frame my arrest warrant.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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