i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
