if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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