The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
