I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
