After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
