me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
