The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
