Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
