It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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