Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
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