News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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