I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
