New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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