Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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