I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
