the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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