No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
