i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
