Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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