You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
