Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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