Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
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