If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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