when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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