He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Randomize
