I was born with a shot glass in my hand
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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