I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
