3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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