Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
