ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
