He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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