I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
