Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm passing your future prison.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
