You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
