I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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