____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
