Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
